Losing Hair. Part II.

This experience, though hard, has been revelatory and transcendent.

One evening, a few months ago, I went for a walk. I had already been feeling vulnerable and fragile about many things, including my hair loss, and I started to cry. Walking up a steep hill on 55th Terrace, I looked up, saw the bright moon, and audibly asked, "God, why?" Even now, a lump comes to my throat, my heart softens and becomes warm, and I remember with perfect clarity the words that came to my mind:

"You are going through these things so you can come to understand your true worth."

Whether I have hair or not. Whether I have a "perfect" body or not. Whether I ever have children, a husband, a job, or not. Despite ANY THING that will ever happen to me, I have worth. 

Am I there yet? Do I  truly understand my identity as a Divine woman, a daughter of God? No. But that is my purpose and my journey right now--to do the work that will help me believe that I do have worth. Like, really, truly believe. 

And here is what I'm doing:

-Prayer

Prayer is amazing. When I'm feeling really discouraged, prayer always lifts my spirit closer to God and helps me feel the strength to press on. Saying prayers out loud is KEY for me. It is almost like a meditation. Hearing yourself ask the Divine for strength, patience, love, joy, peace and grace is empowering. And expressing the virtues you desire to possess--gratitude, hope, love--aligns you with the Divine. I am doing this with the hope that faith that I will eventually possess Divine attributes, which I believe will help me more fully realize my worth.

-Reading Holy Scripture

Jason and I have been reading scriptures together every day for the last few months and it has been amazing--amazing for our personal lives, our marriage, and our own individual spirituality. I love the talk "Make the Exercise of Faith Your First Priority" by Elder Scott. In it he says this:

"We talk to God through prayer. He most often communicates back to us through His written word. To know what the voice of the Divine sounds and feels like, read His words, study the scriptures, and ponder them" 

I love that quote. I am trying to become more familiar with the voice of the Divine, and I'm doing that by reading and listening to His word.

-Repeating affirmations daily
I have mantras that I repeat every day. Things I want to believe deep in my heart.

• I have worth
• I am a Divine Woman
• I am a daughter of God
• I have faith in myself
• I am a woman of Faith
• I have faith in God
• I trust God
• I am comfortable and happy with who I am today

-Yoga
I have been doing yoga at least once a week (usually two or three times when I can) and it is so cleansing and purifying. The stretching, breathing, and meditating has been hugely beneficial not only for my tight, tense body, but also my racing mind.

-Gratitude 
Occasionally when I am feeling sorry for myself about my hair or anything else, I say a prayer and I only thank God for things. I don't ask for anything. Just thank.
Danny and Mara Kofoed have some podcasts on Mormon Stories from a few months ago, and I've listened to them half a dozen times at least. One of the things that Danny emphasizes is that when you're feeling a certain negative feeling, pursue the opposite, God-like virtue. So when I'm feeling upset or sad about what I feel I am lacking, I try to pursue gratitude. When I am feeling anger, I pursue love. When I'm feeling doubt or fear, I pursue faith.
These words from my graduation speech sum up my pursuit of gratitude:

"As I continue to accept the reality of the diagnosis and what will likely happen in the future, I am gaining better perspective. I realize that my load could be so much worse. I remind myself of all the things I do have, instead of feeling cheated over what I don’t. I can see the sun and smell the rain and hear the wind and climb a mountain on strong legs and breathe the morning air with healthy lungs.  I can call my mom and sisters for reassurance, kiss my husband goodnight, stay up late with dear friends.  My heart is full of gratitude and humility when I realize that the thirty year old HIV patient and Nancy and dozens of other people that I have helped care for over the past few years would happily hand over their hair to have what I have."

And finally, a scripture that has a really tender, special place in my heart:

"The soul shall be restored to the body, and the body to the soul; yea, and every limb and joint shall be restored to its body; yea, even a hair of the head shall not be lost; but all things shall be restored to their proper and perfect frame"

Alma 40:23

These are the things that give me hope and happiness amidst hair loss. Or whatever else may come my way for the rest of my life. And that's really all I have to say about that.